Thoughts of A Man In Love
by Shipperony10
Summary: Harm does some thinking during Webb's funeral. Written and takes place sometime between season 9 and season 10.


**Thoughts of a Man in Love**

Disclaimer: Not mine…never will be, but I definitely wish I could own DJE.

Note: This is just a little fic to get me through this mind numbing writer's block I have. I know we have yet to see a body and a funeral, but for the sake of me and this story…just pretend.

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**Harm's Apartment**

**North of Union Station**

**Washington, D.C.**

Clay really is dead. How can that be true? I mean one day he is fine and the next Mac finds out he's dead. I can't believe it. Being at his funeral was just so surreal. I couldn't help but sit with Mac. I know she probably wants her space, but I just wanted to be there for her. I wanted to show her that when I said yes to my always being there, I meant it.

We were sitting next to each other at his funeral. I was reminiscing on the past year. I can only imagine Mac was doing the same. Our whole lives changed that day she walked into my apartment with her pregnancy suit on. It all changed with Webb. I know that Clay has always been just Clay; he was merely a shadow that only took shape of a human when he needed us to work for him. And then in such an unexpected way, he turns out to be a key player in all of this.

He takes Mac to Paraguay, falls for her or maybe he had already, and gets her to fall for him, even though he knew that she and I had feelings for each other. Ok, we didn't really act on those feelings, but we had feelings nonetheless. I know I can't hate the guy, it just isn't me. But I do feel like all of the trust or whatever it is or was, is no longer there. He took away from me the only thing that I actually wanted…Mac.

I know it's more my fault for holding back on her. So many times have I had my chances, but I have been so insecure of myself and my heart that I never took advantage of them. I could have reached out to her when she came to me that night. So "Please don't go" wasn't working. Why didn't I try "Don't go, I need you here" or "I love you"? I guess I will never know.

Now Webb's gone, he's out of the picture. Well, physically anyway. But for Mac, he will always be there. It doesn't matter if she didn't love him, she obviously cared for him. Whether it was out of affection or because she felt she owed him something for keeping her away from torture I will never know, and I will never ask. All I know is that after Paraguay all I wanted was for CIA Special Agent Clayton Webb to somehow go back to being just a shadow. I wanted him to be just Webb. But now somehow I feel guilty. I know it wasn't me who killed him, but I can't help but feel that maybe he sensed it. That he knew I wanted him to get the hell out of my life and Mac's. Well, I'm sorry Clay. I never really wanted you gone. I just resented you for going after what you wanted. I'm sorry.

Nevertheless, I know I want so badly to hold Mac in my arms and tell her I love her. I want to kiss her lips. I want to hold her at night and hold her when we wake up, but right now that is too far out of the question. I don't want to push her that way. It wouldn't be right for either of us. All I can do is be a friend and help her get passed this. I know some day in the near future we will get it right between us. Not without some hard work mind you, but we will get that happy ending.

Then why do I doubt it. Is it because I will only be getting my Sarah back because Clay died? I mean I didn't even have to fight for her. Would she be settling? I know that people don't think it should work out like in books we read. The guy has girl, he loses girl, guy fights for girl, and guy gets girl back. But why can't it? I gave up my career once for the girl…my girl. I nearly got killed for her. And I would do it all again if it means keeping her alive.

Why can't I just have Mac back because she loves me and I her? I had her first. I know that sounds so childish and narcissistic, but it's true. So I didn't actually have her with me or even in my bed, but I had her by my side. I had her trust, her love, and her friendship. And then it all went to hell.

I just want desperately to go back to the way things were two years ago. I want to be able to have dinner with my best friend just because we can. I want Mac back…all of Mac. I want her love, her friendship, and her faults. I just want the other half of my heart back.

Who knows what the future holds for us. I know the hero won't get the girl, because I am no hero. I am simply a man in love.

~THE END~


End file.
